life, death, love, hate, pleasure, pain

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Hi readers and friends,  hope everything is going great for you so far in 2012.  My life has been moving right along this year.  Ever since making the decision not to wait tables or bartend anymore, I’ve been happier than I have been in at least two years.  I don’t dread going to work and I don’t have to stand up for upwards of ten hours anymore.  My quality of life has improved dramatically.

So what am I doing?  Well, last time I mentioned that I wanted to work with kids while I look for a job within my field of study.    I am doing precisely that.  I am a nanny for two boys, they are 7 and 11 years old.  They’re well behaved and entertaining, I enjoy them.  Additionally, I work at a nanny agency that will place me at jobs on days I don’t watch the other two kids.  Wait a minute, am I thrice employed?  You betcha!  I also just got hired as a substitute teacher in elementary schools within the district I attended during my formative years.

The best part about the nanny agency and substitute teaching is that I get to choose when and where I work.  That way, I can schedule around other job interviews, internships, or whatever else I may have to do.  I really enjoy working with kids again.  We have a great time and at the end of the day I can just give them right back to their parents!  All the fun, with only a fraction of the responsibility!

I’m about to start working on a big project that will probably take me at least a year to complete.  I am going to make a scrapbook of my mom’s life.  There are hundreds of pictures to go through, print out, and categorize.  I also found some cards my dad gave her when they were in college, I have notes she wrote me, stuff I wrote about her when I was a kid…it’s going to be a big, big project.

I think making a scrapbook  will be therapeutic for me not only because I enjoy scrapbooking, but also because I tend to run away from my grief.  At least if I am looking at pictures of her and recalling memories I will be forced to face my sorrow.  But hopefully the act of scrapbooking itself will keep me busy enough where I don’t lose myself completely in sadness, which is why I run away from it in the first place.

Also, I really want to change my outlook on my future.  I don’t know how many other relatively young women who have lost their mom will read this, but I would definitely like to know if they have had the same feelings I do about living life’s big events without her.

I looked to my mom for so much advice and she knew everything in my eyes.  The thought of getting married without her is so sad that I can’t even imagine doing it.  Who will zip up my dress?  Who will help me plan?  How could I ever imagine marrying someone without her meeting them so I can capitalize on her uncanny ability to sense people’s character?

And kids?  Child, please.  Pregnancy?  Delivery?  Raising them with no help from my mom?  It seems insulting to even consider it.  But wouldn’t it be even more insulting to deny my dad the honor of walking me down the aisle or holding a grandchild just because I’m too scared to handle it without my mom?

I don’t know the answers to these questions.  But maybe, just maybe if I can keep her memory alive not only in my heart, but also create a tangible account of her life and how much I loved her, my outlook will change.

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4 responses »

  1. Hey Girl! SO happy you are still blogging so we can keep up with your life. SO happy you are doing something you really enjoy, and finding happiness.

    I googled some things for you since I knew I had heard of a group called Motherless Daughters and found it! SO here it is… maybe something like that could help you feel not so alone. =)

    http://motherlessdaug.meetup.com/ – there is a group in Austin, and one in Fort Worth!

    Take care of yourself. Kisses from Baltimore! xo

  2. Wow Kase, that was deep. I’m glad you’re happhy now doing what you love. If you ever wanna hang out (or babysit a 10-year-old, hahah!) I am hear for you!

  3. Think she would be pleased with this new direction. Do not think that she isn’t keeping tabs on you from her vantage point in heaven. If you listen you can hear her and feel her presence. Losing your Mom at any age is difficult , yet it is part of God’s design.The scrapping will help you and it will also provide a way for the ones to come to know and love her.

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