Well it’s April, folks. Time just keeps passing on by, as it tends to do. I just got back from a Caribbean cruise last week. It’s been one year since my brother’s bone marrow transplant. My little chickpea will be two years old at the end of next month. It’s been five months since her mom passed away. It’s been four years since my mom passed away.
I’ve turned into someone else entirely, over that time. My eyes have been opened to the depths of the human experience. Over the last four years I have witnessed true suffering, pure, unadulterated joy and experienced profound empathy (of which I did not think I was capable).
I can’t emphasize enough how much I feel like I have grown as a person in the last four years. I am easily recognizing who I want to become and the kind of people I’d like to be surrounded by. While I’ve known the direction I’ve been heading for a while, I never felt like I deserved it for myself until recently.
In my mom’s place, there’s an emptiness. The best way I can describe it is, it’s as if my mom and dad are my shoulder angels and both of them rested there my entire life until the age of 27, when my left one disappeared.
The emptiness brought not only a feeling of deep loss, but also an intense questioning of who I really was. Ever since then, I’ve been on the path to figure that out.
I’ve been through many emotions ranging from near euphoria to intense self loathing, but along the way I have found out who I am. I’ve done the work and gotten to know myself well enough to know what motivates me, why it does and how to use that knowledge to better my life. The struggle IS real, and it’s not easy.
However, in my life it’s been better than denial and ignorance. When I say I wouldn’t be who I am without my mom, I also mean that I wouldn’t be who I am had I not lost her. She continues to inspire and influence me to keep moving forward, be more aware and really attempt to see in myself what she saw in me.
That’s how I live. Awareness and facing my life head on is my new normal. It’s not easy and I have to fight constantly, but it’s worth it because the only people who don’t fight for what they want are people who’s spirit is broken. Mine has been on the mend for four years and it’s only going to get better from here.
Four years, countless tears
I wouldn’t be who I am
I’ll love you forever
Peggie Anne Gardner
April 15, 1951-April 19, 2011